|Trevor to Mr Jim - Saturday 12th. May
||[May. 31st, 2007|10:48 pm]
Trevor is asking for me to consider and respond to thoughts expressed to Mr. Jim..
The problem most people have with a human God is they can't 'imagine' or conceive of a God who is neither male nor female, or possibly both. Alan and I did not have that problem.Another problem we do not have is that of personality and identity being hung about with gender. You have to get way past gender to get anywhere near your soul. This is why in Matthew it is written that many become eunuchs to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. It is a step in the right direction - as far asthey cld. go at the time - but I doubt it got them far from their gender.
Just docked their desires a bit. And of course there is nothing wrong with gender. Most people are one or the other. But it is only a physical attribute. Even at it deepest, it is only mental/emotional - not spiritual.
You might say perhaps some people are male, female, or neuter in the spirit as well as in the body.
If you 'mess about with your hormones' you find out just how chemical the gender identity and impulse is. There is only a teeny tiny widdly piddly bias towards one gender or the other in the deepest innermost. More than that I won't say on a computer, happy to discuss it any time.
I might as well go on with this difficult 'e' and hope you don't mind its being so long' The version that got lost wa much better. This is the hardest bit. When you gave Alan the Last Rites, that was one of the most special events of my life. It was time out of time, I felt we were centuries ago, in medieval times, Victorian times, birth of Christ times, all times when someone is dying, making that terrible journey, their body really disintegrating - no way back - . Jenny and I never gave up hope till he was truly gone. But on some level during Last Rites he was going, even tho' I hoped for a miracle, and he would return, as sometimes (rarely) people do.
I wanted you to write me down what you said, and you said you would, but you did not. I would have been surprised if you could have remembered it. Becos at that level of Bongo, memory-to-earth does not function well. All your Bongo-larning with Alan was preparing you to do that 'dreadful' service for him. Perhaps the most important thing anyone did for him apart from my being his Best friend for however long it was. Which is hardly 'doing a thing'.
As far as I am concerned, if you saved a thousnd people from Death, even cats, or found and funded a cure for all cancers, became an eye surgeon - nothing you cld. possibly, or imposibly do, wld. be as important as that service for Alan. Which I think was the real one. The funeral was sweeping out the stable after the horse had gone.
In the last weeks Alan became increasingly Spiritual, and as he'd started at the point wh. most don't even reach at the end, he went a very long way. Which is particularly remarkable in that his circs. were so bad. Discomfort and pain were awful, the nursing was bad, there was stress and crises everywhen. In the last bit I tried to be calm when with him - well I was - I had to keep going out to cry or emote. Which the Staff did not approve.
Of course, Alan was beyond gender, but in the last weeks he moved beyond human. I'm not saying this thro' rosy pecs, or because loving him so much I was biased. I wanted to ask him about it but was too shy, embarrassed, when shyness had never from the first meeting, entered our relationship.
Now I wish I had, I cld. have wrapped it round with flannel, I can imagine asking him, imagine his answer. so perhaps I know - but might be wrong, can't be sure. Bluntly, He was Christlike. I have this urge to use capital H wh. is odd. Til then I kept squashing it, might be seen as blasphempus or as old trev having 'lost it'. No, I am surprised, baffled. "We all have Christ in us," he said. "No need to put it in the Service". But in anyone else, Christ is smaller than a pea in a haystack. Or one knows officially Christ is there but Christ is indefinable, invisible ungettatable. By the End, he was more Christ than Alan. Or in equal parts. They merged. Which was O.K. I did not feel I was losing Alan in the Christ.
And all this makes the bereavement worse. Not only in that I/We have lost SO MUCH in that one Alan Bain, but in that all Cornwall, and my family (apart from me Mam) don't see how much/ 'what' I've lost. They see it as losing someone I was very close to, obviously a 'good' person, but special-to-trevor not Special-in-himself or not more special than lots of others.
Anyway it will take you a long time to get thro' that. I hope it is alright with you. I will probably post this to Norman and BobB. BobB said he felt Alan was Christlike in late weeks too. Which is impressive as he was in OZ and not even able to talk to Alan on phone.
There's not a great deal I can say Trevor. I have thunk about it all and contemplate on these things and dwell on them and ponder....